When it all Becomes Real

I am always at my element, with my headphones on... or earbuds... music playing and I am in front of my computer screen with fingers flying. The thoughts coming so fast that my fingers struggle to keep up, still I push them to fly higher and faster. I push them to keep up with the thoughts. When it flows so freely, I don't want the thoughts to stop, for even a moment of hesitation.

With fingers flying across the keyboard, I let the connection between my heart, mind and soul align. I am in my own world. A world that has always been home for me. A world that always welcomes me with open arms and I feel free. 

Living alone, for the first time in my life has extended this level of freedom. I will always treasure my time with my children. I learned so much from living with them, as adults. It was a phenomenal experience to step back and see the child I once held in my arms become a man and a woman. To see the child that I tried to teach how to learn to live in this world, now take the time to teach me how to live in this world. A flow of thoughts and ideas that freely are expressed.

We are a very diverse group of individuals that have been able to live in harmony, because we have chosen to respect each other's opinions and beliefs. We don't care to try to sway another to our way of thinking. We've learned to listen to learn and articulate for resolution and harmony. When one of us has struggled, the rest have gathered around to support them.

As I have finished my book, I have taken the next step to hire an editor and proofreader. I was originally going to release without this step but feel that the message is too important to not bring in the professionals. Hiring the editor, makes it all real for me.

While I was emotionally and physically invested in my book. I'm wasn't financially invested. I couldn't be. I didn't have the financial means to be. I admit, I have to smile at that thought.

Just a few short months ago, I was telling creditors I could no longer pay them. I had sold everything I had owned to keep paying my debt. My worst fear had finally come through. I couldn't fulfill what I had committed to.

In my lifetime, everything that has ever been near to my heart has been taken from me, or because of my actions I lost it. The one thing that I felt could never be lost was my integrity.

No one could take my integrity. If I lost it, it would be my choice alone. Yet, it wasn't my choice to loose my job. I had given it my all, but the decision was made beyond my control. I found that even my integrity to keep my word was subjected to outside influences. The final piece of me had been reached in and ripped away. I cried. I felt I had nothing left to hold on to inside me.

I had committed to creditors and now I couldn't fulfill my commitment. Despite all my best efforts to secure a job. To sell everything I owned that had any value, to hold on month by month until I could secure new employment seemed like it had all been in vain. 

Tears flowed freely. I felt a defeat like I hadn't felt before. A depth of despair that went to the core of my soul. Peeling back the emotional layers one by one, I finally found the fear. The fear of loss. Loss was the seed. With that seed in my hand, I could let it rise up and allow me to study it. Swirl it in the air and see all perspectives of when that seed of loss was planted.

My mind drifted to my computer screen where the seed began. I was writing about that seed of loss. I knew what I was afraid of loosing. I was afraid of loosing the last piece of me that I had thought could never be taken away from me. Then it had ravaging been ripped from me.

The final piece of me, that I had held on so dearly was gone. I had nothing left to define me. Understanding the loss, I allowed myself to mourn that loss. I let the tears fall freely. 

Feeling totally exposed and naked, it was worse than standing naked before the world. The world could only see the flaws of my body. I felt that my entire soul was standing naked before the world. 

Rejection... another layer of fear was unfolded. The fear that I would be forever rejected. I wouldn't be able to secure a job with bad credit, secure a place of my own, secure a new vehicle. I would be looked down upon as lazy because I couldn't find work. I allowed all these thoughts to dance before me. Analyzing each one.

I recalled the prophecy that had been spoken a few short months ago. The one stating that if I didn't start reading my scriptures and praying to the Christian God that I wouldn't be protected from the evil that was determined to destroy me to my death. 

I reread my post, https://carincamen.com/blogs/cc-updates/flame-on

I put on my headphones and listen to my "Burn it all Down Mother Fuckers and Watch Me Rebuild it Better! playlist. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmI_Ndrxy14&list=PLdtLy149PeU5O0QAZNJZVyNwzFNWDEgBI

With the music pounding in my head. I regained my focus, my drive and determination. Then, reaching in I grabbed that Blue Ember and gently blew it to life. It flamed on. I closed my eyes as I allowed the Blue Flame to ignite and flow throughout my body. Allowing the burn of the flame to ignite every cell in my body to flame on. The burning flame flowed freely. Opening my eyes, I knew what I would do. I went back to my computer and continued to write, letting the music pound in my ear. The drums fueling the flame within me. 

Fingers flying, mind flowing freely I wrote. I wrote the pain of the moment that I had felt so many years ago. I allowed the tears flow. I let the tears fuel the flame. Then in total exhaustion I went upstairs and crashed on my bed and cried myself to sleep. 

They weren't tears of being a victim. They were Blue Flame tears. I knew what I had to do. I knew it wouldn't be easy... but I could do it. I was strong and determine to rise one more time. I had been knocked down, but I would rise.

The next day I went to the bank. Explained that I had been out of work for eight months. I told them that I had sold everything I had possessed and was living with family, or I'd be homeless on the streets. I explained I was applying for jobs all across the country... and I had my passport so if I needed to work outside the country I'd do that if necessary.

I closed out my accounts, surrendered my credit card. I told them that I would repay them as soon as I had an income again. I walked out of the bank with confidence and my head held high.

I then did the same to the other creditors. Most of these debts I had taken on in my divorce. I had diligently paid everyone month after month trying to pay off the debt I had agreed to take on. I paid them while I was in school with my student loans increasing my student loan debts. Family had helped me pay them trying to help me maintain my credit. 

This time, no one would be allowed to help me. I would fall, I would fall to the depths and allow all of the weight of the debt crush upon me. Then I would dig my way out and rise again. With Blue Flame I would rise. With my Shield of Hope I knew a job would come. With my Sword of Truth, I spoke the truth to each and every creditor with sincerity. With renewed commitment that I would pay them, once I had an income to do so.

All my creditors could see that I'd not been late before. They were all kind and gracious. They told me, that I would start receiving collection calls, that was automated that they couldn't do anything about.

The calls came, I told the repeated story with every call. Being respectful to the individual who was on the other end of the phone, doing a very difficult job. At the end of the calls I would thank them for their kindness.

As odd as it may sound, having to face my fear of having my credit ruined has been a beautiful experience. I've embraced the journey and lesson of that life experience. I am a better person because of it.

A few months later, I was packing my bags and moving from New York to Florida for a new job. If it didn't fit in my two suitcases, a carry on and my personal item it didn't come with me. I packed, unpacked, discarded, repacked, unpacked, discarded. I scrutinized everything that enter those suitcases.

Sentimental attachments were left. Those memories would always remain with me. It came down to strategy. What would be the most important things to take and the most expensive to replace. In the end it came down to a few clothes, computer and camera.

Bags of clothes went to donation. My cherished library sits on the shelfs at my son's home. My photography equipment sits in my office that is now probably sitting in the basement.

Upon obtaining the keys to my apartment, I went in with my four bags and sat on the floor and looked around me. Empty and echoing. No tears fell. I smiled. This was my home. Despite poor credit I was able to obtain a place to live because they could see that when I had an income I paid my bills on time.

I went through my apartment room by room and analyzed what was the absolute necessity of getting by. I made a commitment to live very minimalistic. My goal is to pay off all the creditors. To regain my integrity that when I make a commitment, I keep it. Setbacks happen, but I will always keep my commitment to what I say.

When my offer letter in hand, I went to see if I could lease or purchase a car. I told them my situation, showed them my letter of employment and how much I would be making. A few short hours I was driving off the lot with a car. Another creditor believed in my commitment that I would pay them. They believed in me, because while my credit had dropped to the hundreds, they could see my prior payment history.

It was so gratifying when I called up the first creditor and paid them completely off. I closed the account. One down.

With headphones on, fingers flying and my head strategizing, I created a complex spreadsheet of how I would be paying off the other creditors this year. Sitting back, I could only smile. It would be tight, but doable.

Few purchases have been made, to replace what I had to leave behind that has to deal with my business. A wide screen monitor to let me have several windows open so I can produce my videos and post designs quicker. A backdrop for my photography for my posts and videos. All were done within the determined budget I had set for myself.

I sit in my empty apartment and smile. There will be no furniture bought. No pictures will be hung on the wall. I sit on a folding chair and a card table as a desk. I sleep on an air mattress.

Having an empty apartment gives me room to dance. With earbuds in, I put on music and glide across the hardwood floors gracefully connecting and aligning with what I desire. I laugh as why would I want to ruin that with furniture?

When I was at rock bottom, I chose to flame on. I laugh because yes, I can be a very stubborn and prideful woman. I don't like to ask for help. I want to do things on my own. I want to prove to myself that I can live in this world. I can punch through that financial wall and climb that financial mountain. Tears falling and bleeding I will climb even if I have to do it on my hands and knees.

Call it sheer determination, drive or whatever label resonates within you. All I know is that hell has been my training ground. With Blue Flame Wings extended, I rise. I rise knowing that it isn't if... it's when. Knowing that I am aligned with what I desire and I will connect with the desires of my heart.

Going from not being able to pay my bills, to paying off creditors and hiring professionals to help me release my story makes every life lesson, every hardship, every life obstacle and challenge worth experiencing. With music flowing into me, surrounding me. I rise with full confidence. I rise with strength. 

I've never been happier in my life.

 

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