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Success is a choice. When we focus on the outcome of success, rather than the fear of failure, we choose to succeed by our actions.

Flame On

In the heat of a battle, there isn't a male warrior out there that wouldn't want a strong female warrior by his side. Back to back battling the opposing forces together. Knowing that while he is focusing on the foes in the front, she has his back and can hold her own, to battle the forces at his back.

Likewise, there isn't a female warrior who wouldn't want the same. I am single. I will remain single. My path, my journey, one that I will travel alone. Until a warrior man steps up and into my life who is strong enough to be by my side. Strong enough to protect my back... I go solo!

I've never been happier and more confident about my direction in my life. There are people which come into your life to help you learn about yourself. They were never meant to stay, but be as ships in the night, to guide you through the darkest of storms.

The woman you see, is because I was loved by him. He brought out this woman within. As we both move forward with our lives, there is no heartache or pain. I simply feel gratitude to him. We desire the very best for each other.

I have officially flamed on. The beautiful blue flame within is on full flame. It's shining brightly in my blue eyes. I'm in my get out my running shoes and run despite how fucking cold it is outside, I run... mode.

I'm in the process of rewriting my book, The Art of Defining Me. The biggest change is in the new title. I am renaming the book, Falling Silence and the series will now be The Art of Defining Me. I'm really liking this new direction that I am going. I've decided to release the e-book without having it professionally edited. I want my words to be presented unfiltered. Imperfections and all. The grammatical errors will be my own, though I'm doing my best to not have any. I'll show the good, bad and ugly of who I am. I'll let the reader either embrace or condemn me. The choice is theirs and I'll respect their choice.

My book is now in a short story format with a Preface and Afterward after each chapter. This change was determined to provide more context to my thoughts as I was writing the various events of my life. Events that have made a profound impact on who I am today.

With this rewrite, I am even more confident in my Atheist decision. I respect other's decisions to have religion in their lives. I'd stand by their side and support their rights to have that choice just as equally as I'd stand by any Atheist to have that same right.

One may question why I am sharing the information I am about to share. I share because over the last several months it has played heavily on my mind. Not because I have believed it, but it has caused me to ponder the mindset of those who do. I've pondered on the mindset of following someone without ever questioning. 

I was raised in that mentality. To not question a prophet, because God had spoken to him. I was raised to believe that when the prophet spoke, it was as if God himself was speaking. I was raised to believe that words and writings from the prophet were never wrong. They were never to be questioned. To do so, the condemnation of God would fall down upon you.

I was raised to believe that if you ever deterred from God's path, all hell, fire and damnation would reign down upon your head. There will be those who will claim that is exactly what is happening to me because I left the cult religion. They have their right to believe what they choose to believe. I have my right to believe this is all fucking nonsense.

I question everything in life. Questions provides opportunities to seek answers and expand one's understanding. To look at different perspectives, by taking yourself out of center. Leaving the cult, put me on a path of questioning. It's been a beautiful journey which I have embraced thoroughly.

The challenges I face isn't because I left the cult. It's called life. Life gives you the opportunity to learn how to become better tomorrow than you are today. Life lays at your feet, the full spectrum of emotion and experiences in life to provide the lessons one needs to improve each and every day.

My experience with the cult and death have been the catalyst in the way I look at life. I look at life with greater clarity and understanding. The moment that I gain this outlook, my life has drastically changed for the better.

I see every failure as an opportunity to learn a lesson on how better to succeed. I see every stumbling block as an opportunity to become more knowledgeable. I see every knock down, as an opportunity to become stronger and rise once again.

At the end of one's life, I'll have obtained my PhD in life. I'll have gained the experiences I need to walk into the next realm and be better prepared for the new life's opportunities. Whether that next realm will be my body decaying in the ground to provide nutrients for something else to grow, or my spirit simply walking through a door and new opportunity to grow, I don't know. 

I look to nature for those answers. Nature shows us that nothing ever stops existing. It simply changes form and life continues on all around the new form. When I question the meaning of life, I look to nature and science for the answers. Those answers are abundantly found there.

My experience with death on multiple occasions, doesn't cause me to fear death. I embrace life to it's fullest. I look at life and embrace every opportunity it gives me. My desire is to live my life to the fullest, in order to gain as much experience that I can. The incredible blue flame, flows through me, driving me to explore all of life's opportunities and lessons. I choose to be an absolute failure, at fearing failure.

For any of us to believe we are going to make it through this life without any battle scars, is living in fantasy. Life is a training ground to help us gain the necessary skills to fight the battles that life presents to us. The battles of life that help us to become stronger, wiser and better tomorrow than we are today.

Sword of truth up, shield of hope up. I have stepped into that training ground and have learned and continue to learn the skills to battle. I've been knocked down and have risen over and over again. Each time becoming stronger, more disciplined and focused.

Around the beginning of October, a gentleman reached out to me on Instagram through direct message. He called himself a prophet. He proceeded to provide a prophecy that God had directed him to deliver to me. I researched who he was and discovered he has quite a following of believers. Individuals travel all over the world to hear his prophecies. 

In this prophecy I was told that I was favored by God. That something was going to occur in October that would drastically change my life for the better. That God's favor and blessings would be bestowed upon me. I was given a condition. This would occur if I returned to reading the Christian scriptures, praying and fasting.

Then this prophet had a warning that God needed me to know. I was told that there was a woman in the spiritual realm that had an evil mirror that she was using to stop me from fulfilling my destiny. She was also gathering a force that was intent on killing me. They would not stop their destructive efforts until I was dead.

My first death threat on social media. I should feel so honored. Nothing occurred in October. I've not seen God's favor fall down upon me.

My normal daily routine is to meditate and visualize, which is a form a prayer. I study a variety of religions scriptures. Earlier this year I read the Christian bible from cover to cover in 90 days. Several times a week I'll fast and ponder. I find it a cleansing method to cleanse the body and mind. These are all a part of a pattern I've done for years.

Since this prophecy, claiming I'll be receiving God's favor and blessings, my follower count has decline over a thousand. I've dealt with stalkers, impersonators and scammers. The impersonators and scammers seem to be crawling out of the IG woodwork. Though... in all fairness I was offered several proposals and the offer to be someone's sugar baby with a weekly allowance and all, just to keep a smile on his face... sigh. I've been told multiple times that I am the "one" within the first several chat messages. Sigh...

I've been working on building up my new business for the past eight months. I went that route after being fired. Being fired was a first experience for me. It has been the best experience I could have asked for. My blog, "In the Zone" talks more in depth about what an incredible path, being fired has put me on.


The job I was in, I dreaded going to work every day. It was the most hostile workforce environment I've worked in. The hostility escalated until I feared for my safety. After talking to security, I was fired shortly after.

Now, had this prophecy be given to me at that time, it would have been spot on. There was a group that was intent in killing my career. There was a woman who used her influence to fuel the group's hostility towards me. The metaphor of the mirror is that the mirror is a reflection of the individual looking into it. The evil seen in the mirror would be the reflection of the ill intent to harm another, that is being seen in the reflection of the woman staring in the mirror. Unfortunately for the prophet, this occurred months before he spoke his prophecy to me. 

Being fired has been an incredible growth opportunity for me. It has been one of the best life experiences I have had. I have been able to reflect in greater depth to the type of individuals I should surround myself, in order to be able to achieve the level of success I desired. That job, didn't have those type of individuals. 

To stay in that job long term, would have been the death of my goals and objectives. The job was killing my self-esteem. It was killing my confidence. You wouldn't be reading this post, had I not been fired. 

Since being fired, I've lived off of my savings, sold everything I own except my clothes and computer. I live with my sons. All efforts to build my business, and gain the success I desire is my focus. I am my own employer and I am an employee. It's up to me as the employer to ensure the employee is productive. It's up to the employee to ensure that the employer is pleased with the productivity.

No sacrifice is to great. I love every moment I am working. I am surrounded with individuals who genuinely desire to assist me in being successful in reaching my goals and objectives. Life is incredibly wonderful!

I receive several phone calls a day on positions throughout the country. I'm being submitted for jobs around the country. I've put myself in a position to take any opportunity that is presented to me. I've seen a change in the IT industry. UX Designer, which is what I do are being combined with the role of developer. While I have developer skills and have coded all my portfolio, I'm not at the level that is required.

The number of rejections have been substantial. When the rejections come, it doesn't phase me. They are opportunities for me to discover what I need to do to overcome the objections about my qualifications. I simply hang up the phone, close the email and return to focusing on moving forward with my own business and my writing. I use the skills that I am told I don't have enough experience with every day, 80 hours a week. Slowly, but surely my business is gaining momentum.

I've put myself in a good position, to ride out the time to get my business profitable. I've made remarkable progress. My online resume link is in the About section. But, as every business owner knows, it can take years to become profitable. I'm not going into further debt to build my business up. I'm dealing with the traditional things that occur when starting a new business. Budget crunches, debt collectors. 

The debt collectors are a new experience for me as well. I've found them to be quite pleasant. These companies have made a ton of money off me with the interest I've paid them. They can see that I haven't been late or skipped a payment until recently, when everything is exhausted. When I share my circumstance and what I am doing to be able to return to paying them, they have been very supportive and understanding.

I'll deal with the credit later. Credit can always be restored. These companies know that the moment I can return to paying them, I will. It is this experience that helped me to learn that there are times when life smacks you in the face and knocks you down. You deal with the blow and the consequences, knowing that in time you'll be able to overcome and recover.

Before thinking I'm whining or you begin to feel sorry for me, let me assure you I'm not and there is no need for you pity. I am far better today than I have been in past years. Life is incredibly beautiful and wonderful for me.

A few years ago around this time, I was sleeping in my car in the middle of winter to escape an abusive situation. I thought I was going to freeze. I was estranged from my children at that time.

With $20 in my possession I went to a store and found a sleeping bag that was on sale. I smelled like a homeless person, looked like a homeless person. I didn't care. The sleeping bag didn't ring up on sale. I looked at the price on the register, which was over the $20 that I had and broke down crying. 

I explained to the cashier that I didn't have anymore money. That I was cold and didn't know if I could make it another night. I explained that the sleeping bag was under the sale price sign. This gracious and beautiful black woman took pity on me. She walked over to the shelf as I continued to sob. I showed her where the bag was by the sale price.

This woman gave me the bag at the sale price. My sleeping bag sits by my desk to remind me of how far I've come. It is people like her, that I am a fan of.

During this time of my life, I've slept in my car in a grocery store parking lot and used the library to fill out applications. I've slept on a friend couch as well as a female college professor who took pity on me until my student loans were available to me. Yes, I have a ton of student loan debt to obtain my two degrees.  

I'm a fan of the pastor who let me sleep in my car in their parking lot, who gave me the $20 that I used to buy the sleeping bag. Who graciously let me use the church's restroom facility to clean up and put on my suit so I could go on an interview as a nanny.

I was working on my BFA in Graphic Design at the time, but struggled to obtain work because at my age I should have had my degrees and 20+ years experience. Living in the cult, didn't allow me to gain those things. I didn't have the experience like those I compete with in job applications. I've been over qualified and under qualified.

I didn't get the nanny job. I wasn't qualified. I've raised five children, but that didn't count. I didn't have any official nanny jobs. I didn't fit in their box of expected qualifications. I often don't fit into the box.

Today I have an extremely close relationship with all my children. I live in my son's beautiful home. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I'm happier today than I have ever been in my entire life.  

These challenges don't distract me. I am still up at 4:30 am and I am still going to bed after 10 pm. I set daily and weekly goals and objectives. I'm extremely time oriented to ensure that those goals and objectives are met. Yes, I'm tired... but I drive on. I flame on.

This beautiful blue flame that flows through me, is the symbolic representation of the drive and strength that I gather to maintain my mindset. 

I never believed in the prophecy. But because of my experience with religion, I understand what individuals will do when they follow and believe in the words of a prophet without question.

In my life, I've been molested because of a prophet's word based on revelation from God. I've had countless threats of death over thirty years. In the cult, threats of death if I ever exposed their deviant secrets were a constant. These death threats were based on the prophets words which they claimed were spoken from inspiration from God. When you've had literally thousands of death threats, this last death threat didn't phase me.

I admit though, I had a total meltdown. It was the final straw. The long hours, rejection, letters from the cult and then the death threat prophecy. I recorded a video to my boyfriend who lived across the world, in my total meltdown state explaining what was going on.

After I uploaded the video to share with him, I dried my eyes, took a shower, put a smile on my face and recorded my three, one minute videos to introduce the day's topic on Instagram. 

Recently, the cult has tracked me down and started to send me letters. My book hasn't even been released yet. It's like receiving a letter from your rapist, letting you know that they know where you live and are watching you. The witness intimidation of threatening death if you open up your mouth.

I believe it is time for me to use my voice. To all those who believe in their prophets words and believe that their God is commanding them to seek to destroy me, to you I say... 

"Bring it on Mother Fuckers! I'm not backing down or going anywhere! Sword of Truth is up, Shield of Hope is up. I've flamed on and won't stop!

The beautiful blue flame has been released inside me is full strength. The blue flame has flamed on and is flowing through my veins. The blue flame giving me the strength I need. It fuels me to power through and achieve the success I desire!

It may not happen today. It may not happen tomorrow. But it will happen. 

You will soon see that I will be far more successful than your minds can ever imagine. Not because of a God, religion or prophecy. But because I surround myself with individuals who build me up. Individuals who help me be better tomorrow than I was today.

My success will come because I'm willing to work harder and smarter each and every day. My success will come because I will continue to learn and grow from the lessons of failure. My success will come because I am willing to make the sacrifices today that most individuals won't choose to make, to have the life that most individuals will never know.

My success will come because I'll continue my 80 hour work week. My success will come because I'm willing to sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed to make success happen. If that means that I need to start studying code, I'll study that fucking code. I'll learn that fucking code. Then I'll take that code and redevelop my own websites and create my own apps.

I will be successful because I am focused and I don't fucking quit!

I'm in full 'Flame On,' Watch me and learn what true power comes from. It comes from within!

True power comes every time you are knocked down and you rise again. True power comes when you are so discouraged you want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed and cry, but you get out of bed, shower and hit the day hard. True power comes when you get up with that 4:30 am alarm. True power comes when the night has fallen, you're exhausted but you power through to meet you goals you've set for the day.

True power comes when you are so exhausted that you fall to your knees. It comes when you dig deep inside of yourself and gently glow that blue ember to re-ignite the blue flame. True power comes when that flame ignites and begins to flow through your veins. True power comes when you raise your head and look to the top of that ice caped mountain that you've been told is insurmountable and you see yourself on top of that mountain.

True power comes when you don't listen to the naysayers who tell you to quit. True power comes when you gather the strength and place one foot back on the ground and use your sword and shield to help you rise once again. True power comes when you shoulder your shield and put your sword on your back and stand tall.

True power comes when you look up to the peak of that insurmountable mountain and you take one more step forward. True power comes when your fingers are bloody from grasping the rocks to hoist yourself up on that mountain's cliffs. True power comes when your muscles scream in pain but you continue to climb, when your shoes flow with blood from your blisters, but you continue to climb. True power comes when you don't look down at the death that awaits you if you loose your grip, you continue to look at the next tiny groove in that mountains surface and dig your finger and pull yourself up.

True power comes when you keep your focus upward. True power comes when battered and bruise you pull yourself over the ledge and roll over to see the sky. True power comes when you watch the mist and clouds surround you on that mountain top and you let the tears flow down your cheek as you express your gratitude.

True power comes when you use your sword to help you stand on top of that insurmountable peak. True power comes when you grab your shield and you slam it into the ground to mark your spot of where you stand on that mountain's peak, that no one believed you could stand.

True power comes when you raise your hands and praise every single individual who helped you reach that peak. True power comes when you are standing on that mountain peak and you see the sun rise, knowing that in your deepest and darkest moment the sun always rose and greeted you. True power comes when you fall back on your knees to give gratitude for every single individual who helped you to gain the knowledge, skill and strength to reach that mountain top. 

True power comes when you look down and see others struggling in the climb. True power is, despite being exhausted from your climb, you shoulder your sword and shield and descend, to help another be able to reach that mountain peak. To show them the path you took, to reach the top.

That mother fuckers, is where true power lies! It lies within. It lies with those you surround yourself with. It lies in knowing that your ultimate true power is that you never fucking will give up.

With my beautiful blue flame flowing strongly within my veins and into my piercing blue eyes, know this... I will never quit! Flame On!"

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