You'll often hear me talk about this beautiful blue flame that is within me. This is a metaphor I've used my entire life. A blue flame is the hottest part of a flame. It is the symbol I chose to represent pulling out that inner strength one needs when life is challenging.
This Avatar is one I designed when I entered college to obtain my BFA in Graphic Design, after I had left the cult. We were asked to create a symbol that represented us. The wing, is the symbol I created. It is a representation of a peace lily, which is my favorite flower and a blue flame.
I love contemporary art and architectural style. I expanded the original single symbol to use it to create the emblem. This was done by rotating the blue fire flower pedal. I then created the representation of me, and use the blue fire flower pedal to become my wings.
Taking it into Photoshop, I created a gif that has the emblem spinning and the wings flapping. Today, I reworked the eyes. In time I'll make another gif. Who knows... maybe I'll even have this tattooed on me some day.
I don't have any tattoos. I'm not opposed to them on others. I think some are really beautiful. I've just never had that be a priority for me, after I left the cult. Within the cult, that was consider placing graffiti on God's temple. Body piercing were a no. The prophet even forbade woman from wearing more than one earring in their earring, claiming this revelation came straight from God.. There was plenty of unhappy woman who had to take that second earring out of their ears. But in the cult, when the prophet spoke you were to take it as if God himself was speaking to you. You were not to question anything the prophet said, just obey.
Meditation and visualization is daily part of my life, and has been my entire life. It is what helped me get through an abusive childhood and living in the cult. Closing my eyes and going deep into the shadows of my mind, allows me to gain clarity to what steps and actions I need to take to overcome.
My mediation and visualization has strengthen to the point that I can now do this with my eyes wide open. Eyes wide open during my meditation and visualization is far more empowering and effective. Depending on my mood, I'll either have my eyes opened or closed. I prefer to have silence, rather than listen to music.
My yoga practice is a combination of yoga and ballet movements. I allow my body to move freely with the motions that feel it needs. I work on balancing my yin and yang. Yin is feminine, I associate it with my right brain. There I place Spiritual and Relational realms of my life.
The right side of the brain is creative. To be successful in your spiritual and relational side of life takes creativity. The spiritual side requires you to think beyond the concrete. Being strong in relationship requires creativity to keep the relationship fresh. The last several months has helped me to strengthen my feminine yin side. The creativity requires to keep a long-distance relationship strong is tremendous. It is to easy for the relationship to become stale with the added challenge of time and distance. If both parties are not committed to that creativity, the relationship won't last.
Yang is masculine. We all have both male and female within us. For some, that'll be a challenging concept to grasp or accept. Some may fight that concept. There isn't a woman out there that doesn't reach in and grab that masculine side of her, when life become challenging. There isn't a man that doesn't reach in and pull out the feminine side when he takes his woman tenderly into his arms.
The sun rises and in it's time, it bows to the moon, letting the moon rise. The moon rises and in it's time it bows to the sun to rise. We see the yin and yang throughout the world around us.
I've had to shoulder so much in my life, that my yang side is strong. I associate that with my left brain. I place the Physical and Financial realms there. The left brain is analytical and strategic. It takes strategy and discipline to be successful in the physical and financial areas of our life.
Having a healthy body has been a prominent part of my life. I don't eat junk food, candy, pop. I'm not into processed foods, fast foods, sugar or vices. Occasionally I enjoy a nice glass of wine or a dessert type drink. Exercise is also an important part of my life.
I've had a very successful career in the past where my financial realm was balanced and strong. I was in the cult. My husband was on disability and I had to make a man's wage. I didn't have any degrees or previous work experience, so I went into real estate. I worked in new construction with a builder who built million dollar homes. I owned my own real estate company, as well as being a managing broker. I was in my dream job, corner office and all.
They say that no one cares about your story until your successful. Sigh... I'm not successful... yet. I share my story because I'd personally would rather hear how someone in the trenches are overcoming life's challenges that someone who challenges were over a decade or more ago. Our society is vastly different. What worked back then doesn't mean it will work now.
This financial realm has been the area of the greatest challenge for me since leaving the cult. It's because I'm so far behind the rest of the world. I'm making up for lost time. It's why I put in the hours I have since leaving the cult. In four years I was able to obtain my two degrees which normally is a 6 plus year education path. I don't say that to brag, but to share how deep my focus has been in this area. Sometimes it takes years of effort, before that breakthrough occurs. What's important is to put yourself to where you can survive while you're working towards achieving the success you desire.
Until I have all four areas of my life balanced, the yin and yang balanced I'll not even delve into the realm of being in a relationship. I tip toed into that realm recently and ultimately it's what caused the relationship I just left, to fail. Fail fast, lesson learned.
I don't want or need a knight in shining armor. This is something that I have to do alone. I have to prove to myself that I am capable of breaking through that last wall that stands before me. It's why I bought boxing gloves. I miss the gym where I could go hit that bag as I envisioned breaking through this financial wall.
I've come so far since leaving the cult. I've accomplished so much. I've grown tremendously. Yes, I get discouraged at times, just as everyone does. I still have a long way to go. There will be those in the cult that will stake a claim that my lack of success has occurred because God is punishing me or withholding his blessings from me because I left the cult. They have their right to believe whatever they desire to believe.
It's called, making up for lost time. It's called our economic conditions have drastically change at the time when I left the cult. Many individuals have never recovered from the US 2008 economic crash.
I'm filled with gratitude for the love and support that my adult children continue to give me as I continue to work diligently towards achieving. With their support I can ride out the storm. I couldn't ask to be in a better place while I work towards obtaining my goals and expectations.
When those morning occur, when I want to stay in bed and cry. I close my eyes flame on. I meditate and visualize the blue flame warrior within me. I hope you'll enjoy my visualization that I use. I've expanded on a recurring dream that I had as a child and teenager. This dream helped me get through some really tough years in the cult.
The dream grew with me. I remember having it and being a small child. There was no one awaiting for me at the end. Just the whispering of a voice and a beautiful light. My reoccurring dream was there as a teenager with the same whispering voice and light.
The dream has come to me so many times, that I began to use it as an adult. Recently I wrote a chapter for a fantasy book that is in my pipeline, after writing that chapter I extended my dream to be able to become a part of that book. I've added the person at the end. Because in time, after I obtain the success I desire I do plan on being with someone.
If it takes to long, I may have to change the ending of the story to be where I am walking forward with a cane. LOL
When I meditate and visualize my flaming on when I am feeling weak. This draft is from a second chapter that I have written for a fictional book entitled,"With Wings of Blue Flame She Arises." When the thoughts flow freely and I'm in my creative zone I put on my headphones and let my fingers fly across the keyboard.
This chapter flowed freely through my mind after my morning visualization of the first chapter. You'll have to wait for that chapter, when this book is released. It's in my pipeline and I'm hoping to have it released late 2019.
My childhood and teenage dream still often plays predominately in my mind during my visualizations. Today, for some reason the ending became very clear to me. It's been a beautiful writing day for me. I hope you enjoy this draft.
With Wings of Blue Flame She Arises
The sun was just starting to rise, the morning mist surrounded her, beckoning her to remain laying down. The air was cold and crisp. Opening her eyes, she could see the fog of her breath, circle around and dissipate. The chill of the dewdrops on her skin caused her to shiver.
She had awoken to her meadow again. She smiled as she took a deep breath and could smell the fragrance of lavender. To hear the sounds of the tree leaves rustling in the gentle wind. The chirping of birds in their branches. The scurrying of squires up their trunks. In her meadow she was at peace.
She closed her eyes and allowed herself to float deeper into the meadow of her mind. She wanted to experience all her senses at a greater depth. To lay on the soft grass and feel the warmth of the sun caress her body. Here is where she desired to stay. To feel the gently blow of the wind. The song of the birds singing. The tickling of the grass on her skin. She was one with nature here.
Opening her eyes she watched the clouds gently drift by. The aroma of the lavender flowers beckoned her to rise. Their aroma enticing her to awaken and explore the beauty of the meadow.
Rising up, she began to walk across the meadow. Her hands touching the top of the lavender flowers and tall grass that seem to open up to her path. The sun warming her body and pouring strength into her.
She extended her arms around her and began to gracefully dance to nature's orchestra. Letting her body flow freely, her gown gracefully billowing in the gentle wind. She moved through the meadow embracing ever essence of it's beauty and drawing it into her.
She soon found herself on top of a gentle hill. Her mind was shaken as the sound of a battle crept up the hill. She peered down into the valley below. What she saw frightened her. It repulsed her. There below her was a battlefield, with all the gore of war. Bombs going off, soldiers dying and laying injured. The sounds of war and the screams of pain rang into her ears.
She turned away, to return to her beloved meadow of peace and love. When the voice within spoke. "Stop! You must descend. Don't fear, you are not alone." She willed the voice to be silent as a tear fell from her eye.
She looked down and saw the armor that was appeared before her. Among the armor was sword and a shield. Their metal shimmering with a glistening blue light. The whispering voice returned. "Put your armor on. Pick up your weapons. It's time."
She stooped down to pick up the sword. Her fingers traced the words she found engraved into the sword. Sword of Truth. She looked back down to see the emblems of the shield included the words Shield of Hope. "These are your weapons. Use them wisely." The whispering voice spoke.
Letting her gown fall, she stood there and allowed the sun to warm her body before she put the armor on. The armor was cold and hard, is scraped her skin. It was heavy. Yet there was a familiarity to it. It's fit was perfect for her body. The armor also contained the same hue of blue light which glistened strongly in the sun. Tightening it around her, she felt strength flow through her.
Picking up her sword and shield, she took one last look at the beautiful meadow. Scanning the meadow, she sealed it into her memory. Closing her eyes to allow all her senses to memorize the meadow's sound, touch and smells that danced around her and through her.
Opening her eyes for one last time, she memorized the details of the meadow, allowing her body to soak in the warm of the sun, the gentle wind, the tickling of the lavender and grass.Her five senses allowing the orchestra of the meadow to surround her, flow through her.
Picking up her sword and shield, she turned to her descent. A cold shudder flowed through her body and she hesitated. "Step forward! It's your time." The voice whispered. Step by step she descended into the horror below.
The battle cries rang around her. The screams of pain and suffering only intensified the horrors of what she saw, as the intent to destroy one another flowed before her eyes. In the midst of this horror, she froze. She couldn't take another step, the sights and sounds of blood, screaming and violence overwhelmed her and she fell to her knees. Begging the whispering voice to allow her to return to the meadow.
The answer was strong. "No, continue on!" When she didn't move, it became sterner. "Stand up! Focus!"
Shaking her head, she shouted back. "No! I can't. It's to much!" She bowed herself to the ground. Willed the ground to upon up and swallow her and then close back upon her. She willed to let the darkness fall and allow her to escape the hell she was in.
Tears fell from her face. A tear escaped her eye and gently slid down her cheek. She watched it as is slowly drifted downward and fell upon a small object by her knee. A slight glimmer of blue light glistened as it landed on top of the crystallized ember.
The voice spoke again, "Blow life into it and put it inside you."
On all fours she lowered her head to the ground her hair cascaded down in a pool on the ground surrounding the ember. Gently she blew on the darkened ember. A gentle mist of smoke resonated deep within her. She saw the blue smoke mist leave her lips and fall onto the darkened ember.
Rising slightly, she was mesmerized by the smoke's dance as it circled the ember and cradling it in it's arms. The ember appeared to take a deep breath of life as it drew the blue smoke in.
Lowering herself, she repeated her actions several times watching with intent curiosity the dancing blue flame. The blue crystal began to brighten with each breath she blew into it to give it life.
With the final breath and dance of the blue smoke, the blue crystal awoke and flamed on. It was the most brilliant blue that she had ever seen. The heat from it far surpassed the heat of the sun. As it's light grew in brilliance, the sun followed turning from the golden yellow that was found in the meadow to a brilliant blue.
A blue mist and shadows fell upon the battlefield. In the depths of the shadows she saw piercing blue eyes. They didn't frighten her.
"Take it and put it in your heart." The whispering voice said. "It is a part of you."
She gently touched the ember with her finger and to her surprised it did not burn her. She quickly released her finger. The blue shadows called out to her, encouraging her to pick up the ember and place it inside her.
Her touch of the ember and their united voices, fueled something inside her. It awoken her from deep within. Gently, she picked up the ember and opened up her armor. She held the ember in front of her with opened hand. The ember arose and began to spin. The blue shadows began to sing, drums began to beat.
The blue ember, spun to the beat of the drum. Then all stopped in united silence. The blue ember drifted to emerge with her heart.
The intensity of the blue flame awoken a beautiful blue flame within her that flowed through her veins. It caused her arms to be thrown open wide. The intensity caused her to close her eyes and lift her head to the flaming blue sun. The sun's raised stream down upon her. It's blue rays flowing into her, continuing to fuel the flame that was within.
Her body ignited with the vibration of the flames and they danced throughout her body. The drums began to pound again. The flame pulsed within her to the rhythm of the drums. The wind gently surrounded her. Gentle drops of rain fell from the sky, sizzling as the touched her skin before they cascaded down her arm to fall on the earth below. The earth drew them in and a blue path began to form in front of her.
Opening her eyes, the blue flames brilliance shown brightly in her eyes. With a strength she had never known before, she arose. Standing strongly she raised her Sword and Truth and Shield of Hope. Their metal shown brilliantly in blue.
With her shield and sword raised, the blue shadows emerged with their swords and shields raised. Side by side they formed an impenetrable shield. The drums beat in her ears. Her heart united to the beat of the drums. Her flame within danced to the beat of the drums. Brilliant blue stones, increased their light to lit the way. Their light pulsing to the beat of the drums.
Lifting her eyes, she scanned the pulsing blue path and saw the blue flaming sun on the horizon. "It's time now. Step forward." The voice whispered into her ear.
Stepping forward she opened her mouth and issued her battle cry. The blue shadows joined with her. With beating drums pounding, she charged forward into the battle that lay before her.
With her left hand she blocked with the Shield of Hope, with her right hand she defended with the Sword of Truth. The battle was intense. As she looked around her, she didn't see how she could battle so many. She dropped her shield and sword and feel to her knees. The attacks came. They sliced her and she saw the blood trickle down her arm. She felt the blood trickle down her face.
The voice was no longer a whisper. "FOCUS!" It was stern. "Rise again! Blow the blue flame to life."
She closed her eyes and let the blue smoke leave her lips and gently drift to her heart. The blue ember flamed to life. The dancing flames of strength flowed through her veins.
She opened her piercing blue eyes and arose once again. Standing, she raised her sword and shield. Looking forward she focused on the blue sun whose lighted the path before her. She stepped forward focusing on one step at a time.
When the sun set, it was the blue moon that greeted her. The darkness and shadows held no fear for her. She was one with the blue moon. It's light was a reprieve from the heat of the blue sun. It's light gently guided her to continue on her path.
Day after day, night after night, the sun and moon guided her. When she became weary of the battle, the whispering voice came. It whispered into her ear, "Focus! Blow life into the blue ember!"
In her deepest and darkest hours, the blue shadows emerged and the drums began to beat. Fueling the flame within her. Pounding strength within her.
It was in the shadows of the moon, that she saw him. Standing in a silhouette against it's light. With armor on, he watched and waited. Knowing that in her struggles she would become stronger and wiser. Knowing she would have the strength to battle through.
She saw him watching her. She saw him as he lifted into the sky and began to drift towards her. With piercing eyes staring straight into hers, he raised his hand and the shadows emerged stepping forward to his command to do battle.
She looked at him and shook her head. She would do this alone. Holding up her hand, her eyes piercing deeply into him, she motioned for him to stop. She scanned the army of blue shadows and look back at him and shook her head.
He tilted his head to question her. With her eyes piercing into his, the blue flame within her flamed on. Staring at him, she felt it extend from her back to form wings of blue flame and she began to rise.
The moon shed it's light slightly on his face and she saw him smile and nod. He held the blue shadows at bay. With palm up, he extended his hand and she nodded.
With renewed strength, she began to battle. Knowing he was awaiting for her to be ready to reach up and take his hand. To take her place by his side.