Stepping into the Unknown
May 1, 2019
Stepping into the unknown, has been my life journey over the last ten years after I left the cult, and stepped into a world that was foreign to me. Every step forward was a step into the unknown. It has been a very challenging but wonderful journey. I often reflect back on those ten years, especially now that I am in editor prep for book 2, Into the Mirror. It goes to the editor this weekend. Book 1, Falling Silence has come back from the editor and now I am in the process of making corrections.
I am in awe that this year, my ten year anniversary from leaving the cult, my fortieth year anniversary from when my story began, that my story will be introduced to the world. Another step into the unknown. I have no fear of this step. I have no expectations of book sales. If it reaches just one person and helps that one, then its purpose was fulfilled.
There is a step into the unknown that does cause me to pause. Take a deep breath and blow that blue flame ember to life as I say, "You can do this!" That step into the unknown is into the Realm of Love.
Having been married for almost 30 years, being in a relationship for seven and now being single for the past three years I ponder on what it will be like dating. I've technically not dated since I was a teenager. At sixteen I had a couple of dates before I dated the man I would marry in the cult. I was engaged on my 17th birthday and married six months later. A month after graduating from high school. My first child was born 17 months later.
The man who helped me leave the cult, we never dated. We met online and when he flew out to meet me, we immediately began a relationship. So the dating thing is as foreign to me as anything else in this world.
I've committed myself to step into this realm, after my book is released. I won't date anyone who hasn't first read my book. I'm past the small talk of, "What's your favorite color."
Social media has been an adventure. I've literally talked to hundreds of men. Answered thousands of questions. The answers are the same. My favorite color is blue. I don't like pizza. I don't cook. LOL And, "My heart belongs to a wonderful man." The last one, I won't go into detail. Let's just say, that I know exactly what I want and the relationship I want.
I find this realm of love quite fascinating as I read post about feelings of love and look at photos of those in love. I laugh... they aren't what I think of when I think about love. The moonlight walks on the beach, horseback rides, hiking to glorious views. All those are used to depict love. Those are easy.
The unknown for me, is found in the curiosity, "But what happens for real? When life is boring?"
For me, I smile when I think of me scrubbing down one bathroom and him scrubbing down another bathroom and we're timing ourselves to see who wins the bet and get's to decide what we do next.
I laugh when I think of it rainy outside and two people with high energy looking bored at each other and sighing. Pulling out a chess board, game board or a puzzle and sitting down together.
I smile when I think about the game of chess. The queen always protects her king. The king, knowing that; will surround his queen with his army to protect her. I laugh when I think of him smiling, knowing that he could win the game in two moves because of my move, but he lets me win... that time. Or when he wipes me out in a few moves and then patiently explains to me what I did wrong so I can become a better chess player with him, on those boring raining days.
I think about us both on our computers and I look up and see his forehead crumpled and him being deep in the "zone". I smiling and not disturbing him because he's in his "zone". I think about my forehead crumbled up when I'm stuck and I look up and see him looking at me smiling. A quick nod and a wink, and we both go back to our finger flying on the keyboard.
I think about cooking dinner together and him teaching me how to cook. I think about doing the dishes together and having a deep political debate about the latest Tweet. Of course, we won't see eye to eye. But we will debate respectfully. And when the last dishes are done, taking my hand he draws me near and whispers some smart ass remark as he tenderly looks me in the eyes with that brilliant and mischievous smile. "I want to tell you something that's dear to my heart. You know you missed a spot on that last glass." And both of us laughing. As I rewash that glass, rinse it off and hold it up and say, "No spots!"
This realm of love, it isn't if but it is when, that our hearts will be broken. I can only hope that will occur when we are old and grey and one of us watches the other take their last breath in this life. One will scream in this world, the other will scream in the other realm. Tears will fall in both realms.
The unknown. The greatest unknown is the realm of love. We know that it will end in pain, yet we step into the unknown anyway. Because we know that when we are aligned with another, that time and distance holds no bounds. And on those boring days, when it is raining we wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
That's my idea of love. It isn't glamorous, it isn't something that will get thousand of followers and likes. It won't get the ohhhh and ahhhh of the world.
The world focuses on sex. Sex is easy. Every species on this planet has sex. For one to think that their sexual abilities is far superior than any other million of sexual abilities is pretty ego driven. I'm not a toy to be played with and then discarded when something new and shiny comes along. Experienced that before, I learned a lot from that experience.
The physical is such a small part of what makes love so enticing to us. People have sex all the time that aren't in love. Often times it is used as a pain killer, to take away the pain. As an adrenaline boost, for the adrenaline junkie.
The beauty of being an atheist is that my choice on morality isn't tied to hell, fire and damnation. It isn't tied to an entity who in anger with my choice, is incapable of having a healthy productive discussion and instead throws a royal fit to cause me harm. I was raised in a home like that as a child.
My choice is made on what I desire long term. A love that lasts, that isn't built on adrenaline. It's built on the dull and boring things of life, that aren't quite as dull and boring; because you're with someone you love. It's built on communication. Communication built with commitment, consistency, clarity and composition. With those in place the pyramid walls are formed that protect the heart. The walls of trust, respect and confidence.
Give me someone who excels at communicating, who would much rather spend our first dates talking about deep philosophical discussions about life, then do the boring wine and dine thing. Let's find out if we align in our communication style. If we align in the four areas of life that help us to be balanced.
Yes, I will step into the realm of love. Into the unknown. And if, by chance I find someone I can align with, and we connect on a deeper spiritual level, that is the one that I know will be strong enough to remove my path ring off my left hand and put on his own. Until then, I'm content with being single.
I'm not looking, I'm aligning. I'm aligning in the four areas of life. The left side of the brain holds yang, masculine, sun and light. I place the physical and financial realms there. The right side is yin, feminine, moon and darkness. I place the spiritual and relational realms there.
It has taken ten years, but I am finally aligned in all four areas. I now step into the unknown and trust in the universe. I trust that the one that is aligned with me, will find me. It's a big world with millions of men. I trust that the one that is aligned with me, will come into my life at the exact right time. Call it faith, divinity, fate or whatever resonates with you.
As an atheist, I look to science and vibrational energy that attracts similar vibrational energy. The universe knows what it's doing. If it can keep worlds from colliding and destroying every individual on our planet, it can surely help two people amongst those millions find each other... if they are aligned.