Thoughts of The Night

Random thoughts of the night, as I listen to the howl of the wind. Knowing I should be in bed and asleep. The 4:30 am alarm comes in a few hours. Another day to push forward with writing. I'm listening to a beautiful new song by Shimmer Johnson, You Keep Me Grounded. It causes me to take a moment and dance. To move my body in the motion of my emotion. The fine line between hope and hopelessness.

The world is on that tipping point. The Coronavirus COVID-2019 has taken over the news. Fears of it spreading have flooded countries and neighborhoods. The spirit of mistrust lingers in the air. The slightest hint of a sniffle or cough creates a flood of anxiety from those around you. A divisive mist whose fingers reach out and grasp throats to where we no longer can breathe.

The political touch points are like an arrow dipped in COVID-2019. It pierced the hearts and created an open wound that festers. Families destroyed. Long time friendships collapse. When those are lost to us, it is easy to click the button and block a perfect stranger asking a question or making a harmless statement from social media. We have extended our throw away mentality to relationships. The patience to try to figure out a solution to fix the relationship takes too much time and effort. It is easier to discard and replace.

And yet, it is exactly when the chaos surrounds us, those close relationships were the ones that helped us get through the challenging times of yesterday. The unforeseen challenging times of tomorrow become more harrowing because we no longer have the stability of the relationships that were once the safe haven foundation of our lives.

The pandemic that has flooded our planet isn't the COVID-2019. It can't be cured in a hospital or treated with a vaccine. The pandemic is found in the divisive speech that plagues our lives. It is in the unwillingness to take the time to listen. It is found in our inability to stop pointing fingers of blame and to use that energy to find solutions to the problems. To put our egos aside, for the betterment of all.

While all of this is going on, I have in my hands a package that contains the only copy of Falling Silence in print format. It is the writer's proof copy of my story of being born and raised in a cult, leaving and learning to live in a world I was raised to fear as evil. Tomorrow I open up the package as I record it for Youtube. Something I have always dreamed of doing. 

Yet, there is a part of me that is tempted to take it out of the package, place it on my shelf and to push the un-publish button on the ebook. As the wind rattles my window, I think about the storms I've faced and overcome. The easy decision would be to not share my story. But I made a commitment to complete this journey that I began when I sat down at my computer and began writing. It is a commitment I made to myself. A commitment I made to you. That when I wanted to run, and I so want to run right now, that I wouldn't run. It is my hope that what lies is those pages, will help instill hope to those who read it.

I understand division. Family and friends disassociated themselves from me after I left the cult. I haven't seen my parents or siblings for almost twenty years. My children and I have gone through a lot during the past decade. We have seen the division spread amongst ourselves and then found the cure to heal our relationship. Communication.

Writing Falling Silence, my children were opened up to a depth of their mother that they never knew before. Until we became willing to listen to learn and articulate our position without judgement or divisive speech, we couldn't be healed. It took every single one of us to be committed that the relationship was far more important than our individual need to be right.

When we became united in our commitment to heal our relationships, we were exposed to new levels of insight and understanding of each other. We were opened up to a new depth that was intriguing to explore. Beyond the superficial that is often shared with others, amongst ourselves we all feel confident that we can open up our hearts and mind, without judgment.

Acceptance... it's what anyone wants. The result is that we are much stronger now than we ever were before. There isn't anything that we can't discuss. We all know that our discussions are safe zones of an exchange of ideas and knowledge. We don't agree with each other. But we respect the depth of thought exchange. We don't look down on each other because we may think differently about a topic.

Because in the end, when the chaos of the world swirls like a mist and the divisive howling of the social media and news outlet wind rattles the windows of our homes, inside our homes are filled with unity and love.

Should anyone read these random thoughts of the dark, my challenge to you would be to begin the healing process of your families. To reach out to friends. Let the healing process expand out from there. Let us be the vaccine to the divisive pandemic that floods our world. 

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